(inspired by mercilynn)

I think, first and foremost, that many among us are kidding ourselves when we think that our level of participation in fandom is healthy. The basic fact is that while others watch a TV show, enjoy it, and go on with their lives, we obsess about it, create intricate pieces of fiction involving the characters (and what we presume to be their psychology), and dedicate a significant portion of our time to a world and community based around fantasy. There may be those who are able to have boundaries in fandom, but it's my opinion that those people are few.

I see a lot of people getting angry about the things that go on in fandom. I can understand the upset. It would be easy for me - being an addict with the emotional maturity of a 12-year-old - to point the finger at others. I'm not going to do that. I realize that the things I find detestable about others are really the things I don't like about myself.

I got involved in fandom because I was lonely and insecure. I felt desperate for a sense of belonging, but more than anything, I wanted a group of people to constantly tell me how smart and creative I am. I needed my ego to be fed. Fandom to me was not about making friends; it was about finding followers.

I started by sucking up to established members of fandom. Initially, I liked these people, but as I got to know them better, I felt that they had ugly, grating personalities (I see now that their personalities are like mine - simultaneously vain and insecure). I continued to interact with them in order to protect my standing.

I also was quick to greet and compliment newcomers. This isn't because I cared or am a nice person; it was because I felt they would be impressionable and feel obligated to be kind to me in return.

During all this manipulation, I posted fan fic prolifically. I didn't care about the stories I wrote; I would get drunk and coked up, put words on a page, barely proofread what I had written, and then cross-post everywhere. All I cared about was having my name and work be seen constantly. I became resentful towards irena_adler because of her prolific posting that would bump my fic down the page. I was convinced she was doing it as a personal attack on me and trying to take over my status. It got to the point that I would wait until after Irena posted to ensure that my fic would be the most recent, sometimes waiting only five minutes. Passive-aggressive much? I also commented on as many fandom posts as possible. This, again, was about making sure my name was seen and hoping that my commenting would make the recipient feel obligated to comment on my work. After a long period of regular commenting, I began to withhold comments. Subconsciously, my goal was to make others feel insecure ("Neur0 Vanity used to comment so much on my work, and now she doesn't. Is my writing getting bad?").

A little bit after I had started the savecolby comm, mustangcandi began posting her daily picspam, and my insecurity and delusion again reared its ugly head. I thought she was trying to take over my comm, and i was angry. The ridiculous thing is that I barely cared about the comm; I had it just to seem like a leader in fandom. Since then, I've put her in charge of the comm since her heart's in the right place. ♥

The bulk of my participation in fandom has been about manipulation and dominance. I tell you this because it's something to keep in mind as you're dealing with others. Why are people in fandom behaving the way they do? What might their motivations be? Why aren't you getting comments? Yeah, it might be because your fic sucks, but it could be because of intimidation. Is someone responding to you with anger because you've made her feel fearful of you taking over her "turf"?

Remember, we're obsessed with fictional characters; we're not exactly healthy people. From time to time, it's important to remind yourself that the person on the other end isn't a saint, and she's not your best friend. I'm not saying this to breed distrust and contempt; I'm saying this because when the wank gets waist-high, you've got to keep in mind that we're all a bit fucked in the head, and what I told you about my own behavior might be exactly what's going on with another person.

God bless,
Jen ♥

(P.S. This Thursday marks THREE MONTHS of sobriety for me. Holy CRAP.)

(P.P.S. Yes, I will write new fan fic soon eventually. I just need to find the passion first.)

[ETA] elysium1996 posted a guide on how fandom SHOULD work.